Feeling Overwhelmed

Tonight, I feel overwhelmed.

I used to feel busy before I became a mother. But I didn't realize the freedom that I had. To read a book cover-to-cover. To dedicate myself to a project completely without stopping. To sit down and write with a cup of tea and my laptop without interruption. It all seems so foreign now.

My life is much too unpredictable now for such luxuries. I might make plans, but they are likely to be postponed or delayed by an unexpectedly sick baby, a night of teething, a particularly clingy stage, or a plea for playtime.

Sometimes I wonder how I will ever make room for all of the things that I want to do. I start to panic. I think of my dreams - the Ph.D., the best-selling book I'm supposed to write, the 5K race that I'm going to train for, the magazine queries that lay neglected on virtual shelves. I'm getting old, I tell myself.

Then, I suddenly realize that I'm only 25 and that there is a beautiful reason for my crazy life. I realize how good I have it. I realize that I would never go back to that life of lazy "frills" - not if I had to forfeit that irresistible smile, that gurgling giggle, those open-mouthed kisses, and that incredible personality that comes out more every day.

Not a chance. I'll keep my charmed life and the cherished people that feel it.

One year ago today...

I was in the greatest pain of my entire life. I was trying to breathe - taking warm showers, sitting in varying positions, holding on for dear life.

Just when I thought I couldn't go on - wonder of wonders - a little life emerged.

She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. Her rose-petal lips, her button nose, her deep blue eyes, and her soft flawless skin amazed me. At one glance, I knew I would do it all over again for her.

It is, perhaps, one of the world's greatest ironies that such great pain can bring such great and incomparable joy.

I am forever changed by her presence. She has brought new and glorious colors into my life and I will never be the same.

Happy Birthday, little one!

Dear Kayla,

You are nine months old today. You've changed from a beautiful infant to a smiley baby to an active explorer (note: you are still beautiful and smiley). You're crawling like a pro now - zooming around the house on all fours - in and out of all of the bedrooms. You are active, fast, and fearless.

Your favorite activities are (1) reading books (seriously, you never seem to tire of them...you especially love Green Eggs & Ham and anything that rhymes), (2) being thrown in the air, (3) being tickled, (4) playing games with dad and mom, and (5) dancing along with the radio (If I turn on music, I am guaranteed a huge smile and wide eyes). You also enjoy taking walks and looking in the mirror.

On the flip side, you despise being alone (you, social butterfly!) and riding in your car seat for long periods of time.

You're not particularly interested in toys, but you do like to get into almost anything that is deemed "not for babies." You especially are fascinated by shoes, cords, and paper...and you love banging on mama's laptop. If you are forced to choose a toy, you will probably go for your soccer ball, football, or anything that you haven't seen before.

You are becoming more and more beautiful as the days pass by. Strangers oft comment on your amazing eyes (sparkling blue) and lengthy eyelashes. And, of course, you still have that irresistible smile and distinct button nose. Your laugh brightens the room and you are undoubtedly always the center-of-attention in every circle.

You have many nicknames...they seem to change hourly...but the latest include Blue Eyes, Gorgeous Girl, Boo, Goose (as in, silly goose...), Kay-Kay, High-Maintenance, and Irresistible.

When it comes to food, you are anything but picky. You will eat all fruits, vegetables, cereals, and breads willingly and eagerly. You especially seem to love water and cherry puffs (a Gerber finger food).

You will sleep serenely in your crib for nap time now and you start your evenings there as well. But you prefer snuggling in bed with your mom and dad. And you would be absolutely delighted if you could spend your nap times in our arms.

A few other small factoids before I finish this letter.
* You adore your daddy - the way you look at him reminds me of the way I often look at him - he's your hero.
* You are exceptionally sweet and happy and adorable...and your mama loves you with a fierce, intense, deep love that she never knew until she had you.

Loving you,
Mama

Milestones

Yesterday, Kayla pulled herself up and stood in her crib. There she was. Grinning. Breathless. Eyes Sparkling. Hanging on to the edge. Little legs supporting her weight.

Wow.

Working with Baby...

is getting crazy. For those of you who don't know, I have been bringing my baby to work with me since she was four months old. It's been a wonderful arrangement and I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to miss any moments with her. Plus, she's smiling, laughing, and in a delightfully positive mood about 95% of the time.

That said, she's getting very active. She wants to sit and play and talk and roll and grab everything in sight. She especially loves "taste-testing" any items she can get in her hands and she loves to scream at the top of her lungs with sheer joy and excitement.

My last day on-the-job will be May 24th and I think it will be the perfect time for parting.

Business Idea #1: Restaurant/Cafe for Families

Attention aspiring entrepreneurers! If you are looking for a business idea with huge potential for success, consider opening a restaurant/cafe chain for moms and/or families. Think outside-of-the-box and think about the needs of families. Think beyond simply offering a kids menu. Create a place where kids and families are completely welcome - and wah-la - your business will be booming. (P.S. I'll be your first customer!)

Here are a few suggestions:
* Menu items ahould be nutritious and kid-friendly, but also delicious and gourmet (satisfying the palate of both the parents and the kids). No more chicken nuggets and hot dogs! How about chicken salad sandwiches (cut into cute shapes with cookie cutters), whole wheat banana pancakes (w/ the classic smily face created w/ cherries and other fruits), or a sliced fruit and yogurt sundae?
* Plan in large family-friendly restrooms as part of the restaurant design. In the restrooms, be sure to include clean changing station areas complete with complimentary wipes and comfortable chairs or private areas for nursing.
* Create a kids play area w/ a playground and/or books and/or toys and/or a make-believe shop.
* Make it a place where parents can still feel professional, productive, and trendy. Have free WI-FI access, good coffee, maybe even a nice selection of wines.
* Have special events and classes throughout the week: baby sign language, storyhour, work-at-home parents networking, moms night out, etc.

Need more suggestions? I've got them! Just ask.

Right Next Door

Two days ago I was hanging out with my friend Ashley. We were talking about master-planned communities and how much we would like to live in one. I said that, if one opened on this side of town, we might consider moving. She said, "...and we'd move in right next door!"

And I thought - that would be absolutely wonderful! I'd love to be able to go walking, to make dinner together, to hang out during the day, to stop over if I was out of milk, and to put our kids in strollers and meander to the local cafe or swimming pool (all in the master-plan, of course!). I vote YES on that dream...

Mommyhood is Magnificent

At the moment, I am staring at my beautiful little girl. She's smiling and cooing and touching her toes. She's winning my heart (as she always does) with her big, blue eyes and her gorgeous, gummy smile.

In so many ways, I am looking forward to staying home with her after May. We'll be the best of buddies this summer and into autumn - just me and the babe.

Balancing Motherhood, Career, and Personal Ambition

How can I find harmony over the next ten years? These are the childbearing years, the breastfeeding years, the infant-in-diapers and toddler-learning-the-ABC's years. It's as if my life has suddenly been interrupted - joyfully interrupted - but interrupted nonetheless.

I wish there was a better way in our society to combine mothering and working. I would like to do more than just stay at home with the kids for the next few years. By saying "more", I am not implying that raising children is by any means simplistic, easy, boring, or uninspiring. On the contrary, it is arguably the most difficult, time-consuming, challenging, and rewarding career that there is.

I want to do "more" for my own development and growth as a person, my own sanity, my future prospects after the baby years.

But I want the "more" to include my children.

The great "how?" lingers over my head - how to get the best of both worlds. Work-at-home, work part-time, write, go to school - What's the best way to be a mother and a woman, a mother and a professional, a mother and...more?

The Cool House

Remember the friend that you had growing up who had "the cool house"? You know - the one with the swimming pool, the big screen TV, the ping pong table, the dart board, the green lawn, the volleyball court, the stacks of board games, the karaoke machine, the den that was perfect for slumber parties, etc. It was the house where the pantry shelves were always stocked with snacks and the low-key, yet highly involved, parents didn't hesitate to order pizza or make pancakes for breakfast. It was the house where you and your buddies somehow always ended up.

That's the kind of house we want to have - "the cool house". Not, of course, for the sake of coolness alone. No, we want it so that our kids will have a safe place to hang out with their friends - so that we can be a part of their lives as they meander through the sometimes-treacherous highways of childhood and adolescence.

The Best Day(s) of My Life

A few days ago, my sister asked me what has been the best day of my life. I couldn't choose between two days (although the second one couldn't have happened without the first...).

1) The day I married Tim (not the wedding part): What a wonderful, peaceful feeling it was when we drove off together as husband and wife. Now, five years later, I can't imagine my life without him. He has brought so many colors into my life and I am forever changed because of his presence.

2) The day I gave birth to Kayla (not the birthing part): There was great and horrible pain - and then there was extraordinary joy. We were two and then - in one breathless, beautiful moment - we became three. In that minute, and in the days that followed, there was an overwhelming sense of fulfillment and purpose. The lens through which we viewed our life suddenly seemed clearer and brighter - and our role in the world instantaneously became important and magnificent - to protect, to teach, and to nurture a tiny life.

Life as a New Mom

On September 9th, 2006, my world turned upside down. In one magic moment, overwhelming joy and indescribeable love entered my life. Little Kayla changed me forever in a completely positive way - I want to be beautiful, healthy, compassionate, intelligent, and successful - because I want to be her hero.

All of my dreams have new meaning and clarity:

PRIMARY GOALS:
* Love God first.
* Be a wonderful wife.
* Be a great mom.
* Write & publish books.
* Obtain a Ph.D.
* Be physically fit and healthy.

SECONDARY GOALS:
* Speak at conferences, camps, and schools.
* Conduct research on issues related to teens, families, marriage, and motherhood.
* Teach at a university.
* Have my own website.
* Organize large-scale conventions, conferences, expos, and other events - especially events targeting girls, women, and moms.
* Freelance, oversee, or consult for a magazine.
* Create or work in an organization that helps girls and young women as the navigate the growing up process.

And many more little things...